Things You Should Never Do:

Sit on an octopus.

Lick a fire hydrant.

Sneeze with a mouth full of Ritz crackers.

Cry in front of Gen. Patton.

Cook a casserole of railroad spikes and horseshoes  in the microwave.

Snuggle with a unicorn.

Put your foot down the toilet drain.

Use a grinder to clean your eye.

Dance barefoot on coral.

Piss off Ted Nugent.

Smoke galvanized metal shavings in your new hookah.

Tell George Clooney he's a cheepskate.

Put a pelican in your underpants.

Forget to send Al Gore a card on Earth Day.

Use a chain saw to open oysters.

And so on.