Monday

~ The Spudman Speaketh ~



My pal John and his wife Temera are currently housesitting for friends on the island of Kauai (see pic above: view from deck).
They have been there for approx. one week of a four week stint.
John, on his first visit to the islands, is recuperating from knee surgery he had in January. He has been communicating with me from Hawaii, and this is his latest missive, which I have copied and pasted here for your enjoyment.


Hello Steven

WELL

As you well know, everything, and I mean everything, in Hawaii has a distinctly Hawaiian flavor. It doesn't matter what it is, how it started out, or what we know it's supposed to be like. Send it to Hawaii and they'll change it around to be distinctly Hawaiian. The pineapple hot dogs that you encountered on Maui are just an example; you won't see those at a Giants game. So today I want to talk to you about Hawaiian tater salad.

Now, to me, potato salad ( henceforth, tater salad ), is one of the grand gifts given to the world by that old race of tater eaters, the Irish, and, after hundreds of years of eating primarily the tater, they got it down pretty good. So, like the hot dog, why ya gonna change it?

What I have tried so far of the Hawaiian tater salad falls far short of the mark.
First of all the taters themselves are either a different type of tater or just plain too cooked, probably both. Secondly, they're cut up way too small, what is this for Christ sake, chop stick taters, you could fit 10-12 of these little pieces on a teaspoon. I want my tater salad to be not only crisp and cold but also, a, "stick to my ribs" kind of experience and that won't happen if the tater pieces are small enough to fit between the gap between my two front teeth, common people !!!
There is no CELERY in Hawaiian tater salad... maybe it doesn't grow here or maybe it just tastes to good for them, I don't know. And Steve, it's sweet, yes, friggen SWEEEEEEET !!!!!!!, for the love of GOD !!! It's not crisp, it's not crunchy, it's not refreshing, and most of the time it's not even cold. Now I don't think tater salad should be "hurt your teeth" cold, but it should be coldish, at the very least. And the worst offense, the one that makes me wish some druid God would come out of the earth and knock some tater sense into these people is, THEY PUT PASTA IN THE TATER SALAD yes Steve, PASTA !!! And it ain't even normal pasta. It's thinner then linguine but thicker then angel hair, and I'm guessing that it has it's origin in some zipper head country, probably China, maybe Japan, probably China. It's blaspheme. It's like knowing your good, clean, angelic sister is screwing the hillbilly white trash from the other side of the tracks, it makes me want to cry.


As a footnote; I have just learned that, when they make pasta salad, yep, they put taters in it.

Talk to you soon,

John

11 comments:

Reggie Hunnicutt said...

This is clearly mislabeled as tater salad. John is 100% right. Certain variations are acceptable but this crosses the line in both size and starch sources.

I ate some tater salad on St Croix that was bread fruit instead of taters. Wrong.

Ken said...

I'm never going to Hawaii, that's settled. It'll be the only state I haven't visited.

Lu' said...

I am the sweet queen but potato salad should NEVER be sweet. Ew and Ick! I hesitate to eat potato salad out because it is a mayonaise food and they should be treated with caution in my book. Mayonaise is a scary food and not for the obvious reasons. Just one of my several food phobes.

Mama D said...

Ahhhh...this could be "The Great Patate-a Debate-a"(you may quote me). I think I'm in agreement w/Sir Halley, however...no mention of chopped pickles. What sayeth there? Yea or Nay? (Notice how I'm being quiet about MY style)

phfritzie said...

the only thing i could find was one shop with great summer clothes...other than that ...i will most probably never go back:]

terri said...

Call me crazy, but I'd put up with that tater salad for four weeks in Hawaii. Besides I know how to make potato salad and it's the best EVER.

Anonymous said...

EVERYbodies potato salad is "the best EVER"; just ask them

Ken said...

I believe you terri!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

How American can they be if they screw up tater salad? I mean really folks!

dice said...

Eggscellent rant, Halleyman!

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